So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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