ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
