They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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