Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
