I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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