i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
