Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
