I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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