If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
