his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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