I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
