Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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