I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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