the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
