I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
