Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
