why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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