I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
barbara walters just said penis...
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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