If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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