There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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