I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
