My liver just broke up with me...
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
