He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
