3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
