How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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