im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
