I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
