I'm gonna have a badass scar
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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