his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
