Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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