NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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