If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
