Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
