im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
