Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
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