How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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