He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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