Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
