I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
