then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
