At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
