Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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