These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
