im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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