The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
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