So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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