Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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