i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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