Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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