: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
